Fathers Day Funny Quotes – When I was a kid, I said to my father
Fathers Day Funny Quotes
“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano
When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, Daddy, will you take me to the zoo? He answered, If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.
“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
“I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.” – George W. Bush
My daughter got me a World’s Best Dad mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.
“There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’” – Jim Gaffigan
Fathers Day, when you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.
“I was cesarean born. You can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through a window.” – Steven Wright
The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.
“Dad… You were like a father to me.” – Ethan Tremblay (Due Date)
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
“My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!” – Bill Cosby
To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
“I hate this occasion because I can never find the right card because they’re all too nice. So, I usually end up getting the blank card with the tree on it — draw a little picture of myself hanging there.” – Margaret Smith
He has always provided me a safe place to land and a hard place from which to launch.
“Dad, You’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.” – Homer Simpson
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
“Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.” – Homer Simpson
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
“I’m so ugly, my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.” – Rodney Dangerfield
Just once on Father’s Day, I wish my kids would give me a #1 Dad mug instead of one with my actual ranking.
“I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.” – Eugene Mirman
When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.
“Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” – Chris Martin
I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.
George W. Bush
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Button
There should be a children’s song: If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.
“As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. I’ve been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Father’s Day.” – Dan Cummins
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
“Children are a great comfort in your old age. And they help you reach it faster too.” – Lionel Kauffman
For Father’s Day, we got my dad a t-shirt that says do not resuscitate. He wears it whenever mom takes him to the ballet.
“I’m not loving anybody that I’m not legally required to.” – Red Forman (That 70’s Show)
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
“People ask what it’s like to have four kids, and I just tell them ‘picture that you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.’” – Jim Gaffigan
I just sit there and makeup songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish. I’m very good at gibberish now.
“A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” – Author Unknown
I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable I’d be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and like a cage across his face mask.
Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.
I have mixed emotions when I receive my Fathers Day gifts. I’m glad my children remember me. I’m disappointed they think I dress like that.
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.